Men (and everyone else) Will Treat You the Way You Treat Yourself

Does this list describe you:

You love yourself first.

You set boundaries for yourself.

You take good care of your body.

You take pride in your achievements and your appearance.

You have goals that you are striving to accomplish.

You’re proud of who you are.

You feel good about being a woman.

You value your time.

Or is it maybe like this:

You come second after your children and husband.

You allow people to take advantage of you.

You eat badly, avoid exercise, sleep too little.

You skip doing your hair and make-up and dress sloppy.

You ignore your own interests.

You’re unhappy with who you are.

You use being a woman as an excuse for what’s not working in your life.

You let other people run your life.

You let other people treat you badly.

As you read these lists, do you see yourself or maybe a woman friend or family member? It’s easy for us to give so much to others that we never get around to giving to ourselves. We’ve been taught since we were little girls that it’s not okay to be selfish, to share, to give. Our natural instincts as mothers makes it easy to forget our own needs. It flows over into our positions as wives and girlfriends. Even in this time after the changes from the Feminist Movement, there is often an insecurity that we could get “thrown out of the cave” and have to fend for ourselves. We say we can take care of ourselves, but we don’t quite trust that we really can. We were never taught to ask for what we want. Many women hold the belief that they don’t deserve. Don’t deserve to be loved, don’t deserve to have good things happen, don’t deserve the “goodies” of life.

Fortunately for most of us, we have many more options than did our mothers and grandmothers. We can set and achieve goals, we can cultivate our own interests, we can set boundaries and be respected for doing so, we can have our own friends and spend time with them. The self-help information available to us encourages us to love ourselves. But how many of us are actively doing those things? How many of us really know how to put ourselves first? It’s important to realize that if we don’t take care of ourselves first, we’re less able to give to others. If you suffer from low self-esteem, are you reading books, taking classes, getting support from other women to improve your feelings of self-worth? When we’re feeling insecure in any way, we often overcompensate by giving and doing more.

How can we expect a man to treat us with dignity, to love and cherish us, if we’re not doing that for ourselves? If you let a man treat you disrespectfully it’s because you haven’t set clear and definite boundaries. If you don’t love and respect yourself, you’ll allow others to take advantage of you. It may appear that you’re simply a good person, always giving, always caring for others. But how are you feeling deep in your heart? Do you resent that you’re not being appreciated? Do you feel your husband/boyfriend isn’t cherishing you, loving you, or being considerate of your needs? When someone compliments you can you openly say, “Thank you” and mean, “Thank you for noticing?” Can you accept a gift and feel you are worthy, that you deserve. I have a girlfriend who didn’t tell anyone it was her birthday. I told her I was disappointed because I wanted to honor the fact that she’s here, sharing her life experience with me. I gave her a card and a gift a day later but it wasn’t the same. I know for a fact that she doesn’t think she deserves to be honored, loved, and given gifts. I want to shake her and tell her, “You are totally wonderful and I want you to look in the mirror and own that.” Maybe one day she’ll know that about her the way I do.

In my past I did not set boundaries for myself, allowed my needs to be ignored, didn’t ask for what I wanted and consequently, suffered feelings of insecurity and helplessness. Once I pulled myself from those situations and people that caused me to not love myself, I was able to step into my full power as a woman. Until I did that, I didn’t realize that I had ignored my own needs. The contrast was amazing and invigorated me so much that I can’t imagine going back to the old ways. But I am always vigilant, ever watchful that I don’t fall back into those age-old patterns and habits of giving to others more than I give to myself. Today I set the tone for how others will treat me, by how I treat myself. I hope you will take a look at all the ways you have ignored your needs and begin today to love and respect yourself. Then you’ll be able to enjoy greater love and respect from the people in your life. It may not be comfortable for some of them but if they truly care about you, they’ll come around.

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