 It was never explained to me when I was dating. I never really thought about it. Isn't it for finding Mr. or Ms. Right? Well, yes and no. I realized, after answering too many Ms. Magic questions from women and, yes, men, who needed to let go and move on, what the real purpose of dating is, or, should be. One reason we date is to have fun, go out, do things as a couple because let's face it, the world is organized around coupledom. But another, more useful purpose of dating is to learn. We need some experience to learn what we want in a partner, what we don't want, how to communicate our needs, how to serve the other's needs without disrespecting ourselves, and what it feels like to love, be loved, and even how to be strong enough to part when we know it's time.
But what I've noticed is that way too often, people get involved and immediately try to force the other person into being their image of what a partner is supposed to be. They ignore red flags, bad behavior, incompatibilities, and try to change the person instead of realizing that this is not the right person for them. Dating is a selection process. The problem is that most people don't have a clear idea of what they're looking for. That's why it's important to make a list of qualities that you're looking for. Then, when a person falls short of matching that list, it's important to say, "Next." It doesn't mean that you or that person are bad or unlovable, it simply means that you're not right for each other. But for some reason, that's hard for a lot of people to admit.
It's important to keep some objectivity and some distance in the beginning, so we can make intelligent observations. That's why I don't recommend people don't have sex during the early phase of discovery. Sex complicates things and causes the rational side of a person to get fuzzy and the conviction to stick to the list to get weak. That's not good for either person. It's unfair to waste each other's time and emotional energy when most people know (even though they won't admit it) that the person is wrong within the first or second date.
How can you avoid the pitfalls of becoming a "couple" when you aren't suited to each other? Simple, make your list, be honest with yourself, and don't waste time on the wrong person. It may seem cruel but it's better than leading someone on.
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